My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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