Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
where are my eyebrows?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
