There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
