The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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