I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
