I cannot find my penis.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
