My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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