so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
