My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
