what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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