dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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