ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
