nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
