lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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