Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
