i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize