oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
