I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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