I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
