i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize