Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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