my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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