My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
