I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize