Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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