Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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