After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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