Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
