BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Please don't give away my fajitas
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
