I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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