just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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