If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize