and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
