she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my vag is so smooth its legendary
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
