There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
