the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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