You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
