It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
