I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize