oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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