Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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