what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My vagina is very pro this idea
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