dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
