White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
