my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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