My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you had me at cake vodka
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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