he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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