The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
should my penis look like a turkey
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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