as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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