You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
