thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
