my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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