My liver just broke up with me...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he laminated a picture of his dick.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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