you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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