Already got asked if we're dating
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
