Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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