Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
