Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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