there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize