I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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