Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
