I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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