You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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