Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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