My hand turned me down
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
