drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize