Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
