Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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