I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
