maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
this will be a night to untag.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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