when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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