I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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